Gratitude of Attitude

“People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude.” John C. Maxwell

Our culture has an affinity for catch phrases, slogans, buzzwords and tag lines. Whether they define a company or part of a mission statement of an institution, these mottos and mantras are designed to associate meaning and reflect purpose that directly identifies these companies and institutions with a desired personification. They are the representation of who they are and the values that they promote. People, like companies and institutions, are similarly defined by personal axioms, albeit not those that are affixed to our bumpers or refrigerators nor appear on our business cards or letterheads. Rather, it is our attitudes that establish who we are and how we are viewed by others.

Thomas Jefferson once remarked, “Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” Much can and should be said about the manner in which we think, and how our attitudes are entirely founded upon our thoughts and perceptions. Through my coursework, certification process and experiences employing CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), I have gained great insight to the inner workings of the mind and how essential a positive attitude is in life in general and education in particular.

Dr. Ben Martin who has written on matters of depression, ADHD, anxiety and several other areas of human behavior, defines CBT as, “a short-term, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment that takes a hands-on, practical approach to problem-solving. Its goal is to change patterns of thinking or behavior that are behind people’s difficulties, and so change the way they feel … CBT works by changing people’s attitudes and their behavior by focusing on the thoughts, images, beliefs and attitudes that we hold (our cognitive processes) and how this relates to the way we behave, as a way of dealing with emotional problems.” It is troubling, however, that such “treatment” is reserved to just that, treatment. I would propose that we would all infinitely gain and deeply appreciate a taste of CBT, and, furthermore, so would our schools.

It is indeed our culture that has created the phrase “attitude of gratitude.” Yet, gratitude is not the only attitude we desperately need to nurture among our youth population (and adult), though it certainly is one of the more vital virtues. Our attitudes require an entire overhaul. Albert Einstein was astute in his observation when he said, “Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.” Our attitudes are the foundation of our character, and if we wish to help develop and support our students’ positive character, then we must dedicate more time to address them.

Hans Selye, the Hungarian-born endocrinologist who spent a lifetime researching the phenomenon of stress, remarked, “Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.” Particularly in an age where anxiety is rampant, we must place more attention on producing resilient students with strong, positive attitudes. We must “stress” the importance of building quality attitudes, primarily through proper modeling. We must highlight how crucial a positive attitude is. And how grateful we must be when we have achieved one for then we would have established the most distinguished and fulfilling slogans for ourselves.

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” Winston Churchill

Really on a Role

“I have to tell you, I'm proudest of my life off the court. There will always be great basketball players who bounce that little round ball, but my proudest moments are affecting people's lives, effecting change, being a role model in the community.” - Magic Johnson

During a recent lunch table discussion among teachers, the topic of role models in sports came up. The debate was on - are athletes role models or not? Should they be role models or not? By virtue of the fact that kids watch, admire and adore them, does that require them to become something they did not set out to be? The first athlete that clearly came to my mind was Charles Barkley, the NBA Hall of Fame star, who was quite outspoken about the issue. He claimed, “I’m not paid to be a role model; parents should be role models,” and, “Just because I dunk a basketball doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.” While the point can be disputed, I believe that one thing is for certain - the role models our children choose for themselves must be positive ones.

But how do we achieve this? How are we assured that they will choose wisely?

In truth, our children have many role models. While some look up to athletes, there are also actors, music stars and other personalities within pop culture. Then you have historical or political figures, human rights activists, innovators and perhaps even the occasional religious icon. However, there is always a common denominator among children's role models - their parents. As parents, we form the bedrock of our children's reality, the foundation of their early aspirations and the core structure of their life-long values and beliefs. Our children's role models are predominantly selected based upon the values we embody and demonstrate in our lives as well as our own role models we choose to popularize, frequently speak about, admire and assign glory to.

Then there is school. From their earliest years, children have warm, caring and nurturing teachers that help set the tone for their learning profile. From Lower School through Middle School, strong relationships are formed, motivating students towards a concrete academic and emotional path while building memories that last for lifetimes. An endless stream of gratitude towards teachers have flooded websites, blogs and books, while libraries of unwritten volumes remain stored within the hearts of scores of people that attribute their success to perhaps even a single teacher.

It is time to merge the two worlds - the one within the home and the one within the school. In a world that often perpetuate criticism as sharp political commentaries fill the media, harsh personal sarcasm spreads throughout social media, and character defamation engulfs coffee rooms and dinner tables nationwide, our homes and schools must become beacons of positivity if we are to create the society we would all appreciate and enjoy being part of. Parents must support teachers, and teacher must support parents. School, homes and shuls must be united in a harmonious vision of personal integrity and moral values. In short, we must all become the role models we wish our children to emulate. We must calculate our actions and words to ensure that our children will learn the skills, emotions, principles and habits we want them to develop and master. While our children may or may not choose the role models we wish for them to adopt, one thing is for certain - we will always be front and center as their constant, life-long role models.

At the end of the day, we are all here to change lives, one child at a time. As my most beloved motto goes, “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world” (a quote attributed to Bill Wilson, Dr. Seuss and Taylor Hanson, to name a few).

One world at a time.

Giving Thumbs Up Without Our Thumbs

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” - Winston Churchill

We live in the age of the “Like.” One would imagine, therefore, that we may feel more prone to sharing positive feedback with others while feeling happier ourselves. In a study conducted by Dr. Larry Rosen concerning Facebook’s “Like” button, 52% of the teenage Facebook users of the iGeneration (born in the 1990s) clicked “Like” daily or even several times a day. The Net Generation young adults were a close second with 45%, followed closely by 32% of Gen Xers, and 24% of Baby Boomers. It appears that Facebook users of all ages enjoy using the “Like” button, although it is more popular among younger users. Seemingly, we should be able to determine that our generation of youth would be more vibrant, positive and happy due to all the “liking” they do.

In their introduction to the book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, internationally recognized psychiatrist Dr. Foster Cline and Jim Fay, one of America’s top educational consultants and a past school principal, write, “Research tells us that the levels of clinical depression in high schools now are similar to what they were in mental health institutions in the 1950s (roughly one in four show such symptoms).” Apparently, there is a sharp discrepancy between receiving a “Like” and truly feeling liked. Perhaps, a sense of acceptance and joy cannot be achieved wholesomely through social media.

Dr. Shelly Turkle, author of the book Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other and Professor of the Social Studies of Science and Technology at MIT, describes the exhaustion felt by teenagers as they constantly tweak their Facebook profiles for maximum cool effect. Dr. Turkle calls this "presentation anxiety," and suggests that the site's element of constant performance creates an environment where people feel alienated from themselves. With the overwhelming results from an array of studies conducted on the topic, therefore, we must question where teens in particular can find true happiness.

In an Atlantic Magazine article, Dr. Moira Burke, a research scientist at Facebook and a recent Ph.D. from Carnegie Mellon University, states, “People who received composed communication became less lonely, while people who received one-click communication experienced no change in loneliness.” Clearly, people respond positively with more substantial communications. Conversely, as Dr. Turkle determines, “The ties we form through the Internet are not, in the end, the ties that bind. But they are the ties that preoccupy.” We benefit infinitely greater from personal connections built upon meaningful interactions.

How do we bolster such connections within our teenage population? How do we encourage significant and lasting relationships when we are all engaged in digital communications at the same time?

Perhaps, one way in supporting our teens is by strengthening their and our positive self-talk and the manner in which we all problem solve. Dr. Tal Ben Shahar, a leading authority in the realm of positive psychology, states, “We maintain that it’s very important to fix things, but no less important also to look at the other part of the situation, at what is working. Cultivating what works, our strengths, our sense of meaning, acts as a preventative. We become far more resilient and are able to cope with what does not work.” I find it troubling that when I consistently approach students to share one form of positive feedback or another, their first response is, “What did I do wrong? I didn’t do anything.” Why does it appear that are our teenagers expect negativity? Is it not clear that they desperately seek to amass “Likes,” yet have a poor sense of self-worth and esteem?

Those who interact with teens have an especially colossal responsibility in building their emotional stability and well-being. In an age where a “Like” clearly does nothing to truly enhance their lives, we must all - teens and adults alike - learn to support one another with valuable, meaningful and thoughtful positive communications. As Dr. Shahar explains at length, we must look at what is going right, but furthermore, we must instill that skill in our students. We must show them all they can do right rather than point out what they have done wrong. If we are to raise a healthy generation of young adults, we must work on nurturing positive environments and inculcating positive habits and thoughts for our teens who are starving for them.

“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.” - Willie Nelson

A Culture of Leadership

“A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.” - John C. Maxwell

As Jews, we always look to the Torah for guidance on all matters. If there is one particular area we learn extensively from, especially in the current Sefer Devorim, is the quality of leadership. Throughout the 40 years of Bnei Yisrael’s journey through the desert, Moshe Rabbeinu’s consistent and selfless demonstration of exemplary leadership serves as a model for all leaders to come. And although there are a myriad of words and actions one can learn to emulate, there is one distinct attribute that Moshe exhibited repeatedly that provides an especially valuable lesson for Middle School students, namely self-sacrifice for others.
In his incredibly accurate and perceptive book Shifting the Monkey, Todd Whitaker describes his impression of great leadership. “Instead of wondering, ‘How do I protect myself?’ a great leader asks, ‘How do I protect my good people? How do I make the world a better place?" Indeed, Moshe proposed personal loss multiple times in protection of the people he had been charged to lead. This trait requires humility more than anything else. It requires addressing the needs of others before our own, which can only occur when we think of others first.
In Middle School, a culture of caring must be cultivated from the top down. It must be stressed not only in our words, but also in our deed. Above all, selflessness must be modeled, not preached. As basketball legend and team leader Isiah Thomas once remarked, “It's hard to get people to overcome the thought that they have to take care of themselves first. It's hard to get players to give in to the group and become selfless as opposed to selfish.” Students must be viewed as a team. Students must view themselves as a team. And teams require leaders.
Our school’s tagline is “Inspiring tomorrow’s leaders.” It is our duty to promote this quality through humility, selflessness and sensitivity towards everyone. It is a team effort. The great 19th century industrialist Andrew Carnegie once said, “No man will make a great leader who wants to do it all himself or get all the credit for doing it.” Moshe deliberately declared that he could not lead the people alone. He had the assistance of 70 wise supervisors, as well as other greats, such as Aharon and Pinchas.
The catalysts for “Inspiring tomorrow’s leaders” are the inspiring leaders of today. Great leaders do not evolve, they are groomed. By being humble and selfless leaders, we elevate our students with these identical virtues. We must hear their concerns, listen to their ideas and inculcate a sense of team pride that is produced by altruistic leadership; leadership that shares a spirited sensation of glory that develops due to a collective effort.

“The role of a creative leader is not to have all the ideas; it's to create a culture where everyone can have ideas and feel that they're valued.” - Ken Robinson

Complementary Compliments

Complementary - "combining in such a way as to enhance or emphasize the qualities of each other or another" 
Complimentary - "expressing a compliment; praising or approving; given or supplied free of charge"

"I can live for two months on a good compliment." - Mark Twain
"The highest compliment that you can pay me is to say that I work hard every day." - Wayne Gretzky

Life in Middle School is hard work. Students arrive earlier and leave later, and somehow, recess time simply does not feel the same as it used to in Lower School. All these years students only had to remember two teachers’ names, but now all of a sudden, 6th graders now need to have an entire directory of names, classes and locations on file. And while lockers are wonderful, students wonder, "I'm supposed to fit everything into this?!"
Within a few weeks, this life-altering transition is over, and 6th graders become comfortably entrenched in Middle School life. There is, however, one component that we often associate with Lower School life that can never fade into early adolescence - that deep sense of self-pride and self-worth. While the academic rigor increases substantially, Middle School must retain the warmth and encouragement that is characterized by the earlier grades.
Unfortunately, Middle School tends to be a feeding ground for anxiety and uncertainty for many. With the increasing amount of responsibilities, multiplication of exams and due dates, and heightened consciousness of academic success, students can often feel inadequate or unsure of their skills and abilities. They quickly become nervous if they will get those coveted grades they believe everyone seeks. It becomes our responsibility, therefore, to not only assist students academically, but to demonstrate our support through compliments and positive reinforcement. The question is, though, which compliments to choose.
Dr. Carol Dweck in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success writes, “'Did I win? Did I lose?' Those are the wrong questions. The correct question is: 'Did I make my best effort?' If so, he says, 'You may be outscored but you will never lose.'” It is remarkable how far students will thrive when they are driven by the pleasure of the process rather than the results alone. If we restrict compliments merely to those who earn the “A” at the end of a unit, we will have completely disregarded the efforts put forth by countless students. However, if we are committed to empower every student to feel a sense of success, we must utilize other forms of compliments along the way.
When we create an environment of appropriate compliments, we are essentially building a culture of complementary members. By highlighting the efforts of one another, we each grow and share the positive energy. In doing so, the Middle School will no longer be a narrow place of tests, report cards and responsibilities, rather an expansive home of fulfillment and self-appreciation.
Life in Middle School is hard work, but we should enjoy the challenge.

"You're not going to be great at everything. Surround yourself with people that can compliment you so you can work together and then everybody can be successful." - Jonathan Tisch

Here Comes the Sun

"The Wind and the Sun were disputing which was the stronger. Suddenly they saw a traveler coming down the road, and the Sun said: “I see a way to decide our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveler to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin.” So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hard as it could upon the traveler. But the harder he blew the more closely did the traveler wrap his cloak round him, till at last the Wind had to give up in despair. Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon the traveler, who soon found it too hot to walk with his cloak on."
This ancient Greek fable perfectly portrays two distinctly different methods of interpersonal styles that people demonstrate in a wide range of scenarios. Whether at home, at work or at school, the Wind and Sun personify diametrically opposite approaches in the manner in which people attempt to achieve what they want. And while the Wind may even at times accomplish its goal, it certainly will not be actualized with warmth. Furthermore, it may produce a sense of animosity that will ultimately undermine the very objective it sought.
The lasting impression an educator has upon his/her students is truly priceless, and perhaps only secondary to one’s parents. In fact, a child’s future can often be set into motion due to a relationship with or statement made by a teacher. This unique power educators possess helps create the fate of students’ lives each and every day. In a Middle School environment in particular, where students deeply and infinitely thrive on positive, meaningful and inspirational relationships in their transition between the "little leagues" and the "majors," it is essential for educators to be fully cognizant in their choice of words and vigilant in their mode of conduct to be the Sun. Warmth and patience are indispensable tools that must always be employed.
The Mishna in Pirkei Avos teaches us that we must greet each person with a warm and joyous countenance. This is undoubtedly an imperative for this age. In the Middle School, we change lives with our smiles. With our encouragement and support, we make a timeless impression that will forever be etched into the memories and character of each student that we encounter.
“Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it’s all right. Sun, sun, sun, here it comes.”

Seven Steps to Successful Tefilah

With the first day of the new school year just days away, we have loaded three teacher in-service days with faculty and department meetings, digital content and software training, and curriculum discussions. However, one topic that always squeezes in there is Tefilah. Considering the fact that we daven three times a day, one can imagine that the topic surfaces regularly due to the collective passion we all share for it.
Whenever Jewish Day School principals gather, we always seem to come to this essential element of student growth. And while there are many perspectives and opinions on how to achieve the elusive goal of fully engaging students in meaningful, heart-felt and fulfilling Tefilah, we nonetheless exchange ideas and initiatives we have all employed over the years. This year is certainly no different.
On Tuesday morning, the Judaic Studies staff will gather for our initial Tefilah Talk, a series of group discussions that will continue throughout the year. What new factors are left to be deliberated upon? What new angle will be taken?
Enter the Seven Steps to Successful Tefilah, a custom-tailored program for Middle School students. Over the course of several months, a strategy based on both current and former student feedback, years of observation, and experience with several schools of and leaders in human thought (such as CBT, REBT, Reality Therapy and notables such as Dr. Aaron Beck, Dr. David Burns, and Dr. William Glasser), a system was crafted to utilize various forms and sources of inspiration, text-based instruction and a student-centered focus on age-appropriate interests and positive relationships. While the program is complete in structure, scope and sequence, the details are still in a development stage, and will be implemented over the course of the year.
Step One: Inspiration includes three facets - positive role modeling, audio and visual materials, and peer presentations, each with specific components that will be highlighted over the next three months. We anticipate heightened student engagement and interest as we forge forward in this vital initiative that will undoubtedly encourage a positive atmosphere in Tefilah.