Giving Thumbs Up Without Our Thumbs

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” - Winston Churchill

We live in the age of the “Like.” One would imagine, therefore, that we may feel more prone to sharing positive feedback with others while feeling happier ourselves. In a study conducted by Dr. Larry Rosen concerning Facebook’s “Like” button, 52% of the teenage Facebook users of the iGeneration (born in the 1990s) clicked “Like” daily or even several times a day. The Net Generation young adults were a close second with 45%, followed closely by 32% of Gen Xers, and 24% of Baby Boomers. It appears that Facebook users of all ages enjoy using the “Like” button, although it is more popular among younger users. Seemingly, we should be able to determine that our generation of youth would be more vibrant, positive and happy due to all the “liking” they do.

In their introduction to the book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, internationally recognized psychiatrist Dr. Foster Cline and Jim Fay, one of America’s top educational consultants and a past school principal, write, “Research tells us that the levels of clinical depression in high schools now are similar to what they were in mental health institutions in the 1950s (roughly one in four show such symptoms).” Apparently, there is a sharp discrepancy between receiving a “Like” and truly feeling liked. Perhaps, a sense of acceptance and joy cannot be achieved wholesomely through social media.

Dr. Shelly Turkle, author of the book Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other and Professor of the Social Studies of Science and Technology at MIT, describes the exhaustion felt by teenagers as they constantly tweak their Facebook profiles for maximum cool effect. Dr. Turkle calls this "presentation anxiety," and suggests that the site's element of constant performance creates an environment where people feel alienated from themselves. With the overwhelming results from an array of studies conducted on the topic, therefore, we must question where teens in particular can find true happiness.

In an Atlantic Magazine article, Dr. Moira Burke, a research scientist at Facebook and a recent Ph.D. from Carnegie Mellon University, states, “People who received composed communication became less lonely, while people who received one-click communication experienced no change in loneliness.” Clearly, people respond positively with more substantial communications. Conversely, as Dr. Turkle determines, “The ties we form through the Internet are not, in the end, the ties that bind. But they are the ties that preoccupy.” We benefit infinitely greater from personal connections built upon meaningful interactions.

How do we bolster such connections within our teenage population? How do we encourage significant and lasting relationships when we are all engaged in digital communications at the same time?

Perhaps, one way in supporting our teens is by strengthening their and our positive self-talk and the manner in which we all problem solve. Dr. Tal Ben Shahar, a leading authority in the realm of positive psychology, states, “We maintain that it’s very important to fix things, but no less important also to look at the other part of the situation, at what is working. Cultivating what works, our strengths, our sense of meaning, acts as a preventative. We become far more resilient and are able to cope with what does not work.” I find it troubling that when I consistently approach students to share one form of positive feedback or another, their first response is, “What did I do wrong? I didn’t do anything.” Why does it appear that are our teenagers expect negativity? Is it not clear that they desperately seek to amass “Likes,” yet have a poor sense of self-worth and esteem?

Those who interact with teens have an especially colossal responsibility in building their emotional stability and well-being. In an age where a “Like” clearly does nothing to truly enhance their lives, we must all - teens and adults alike - learn to support one another with valuable, meaningful and thoughtful positive communications. As Dr. Shahar explains at length, we must look at what is going right, but furthermore, we must instill that skill in our students. We must show them all they can do right rather than point out what they have done wrong. If we are to raise a healthy generation of young adults, we must work on nurturing positive environments and inculcating positive habits and thoughts for our teens who are starving for them.

“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.” - Willie Nelson

R-E-S-P-E-C-T What It Should Mean to You

“Knowledge will give you power, but character respect.” - Bruce Lee

In her book The Power of Respect: Benefit from the Most Forgotten Element of Success, Deborah Norville writes, “Nearly eight in ten Americans (79 percent) say a lack of respect and courtesy is a serious national problem, and most people say it’s getting worse (60 percent). Seventy-three percent say we used to treat one another with greater respect.” Needless to say, these statistics are truly frightening. Yet, however painful these numbers are, we must take a step back and question how this has come about. Perhaps, the solution is rooted not in how we treat one another, but how we view ourselves first and foremost.

School is predominantly identified as an institution of knowledge. More than anything else, stakeholders strive to present and promote their institutions as fountains of understanding beacons of information, and laboratories of advanced thought and reasoning. However, rarely do we see a school highlighting the character of their students as their claim to fame, certainly not in place of their scholastic acclaim. As a result, the thrust of a school’s efforts is visibly academic, a reality that students inevitably recognize and internalize. Thus, character development takes a back seat. As a result, our students deem their scores as a barometer of success. This, Dr. Carol Dweck explains, constitutes the fixed mindset as opposed to the growth mindset. Rather than encouraging healthy effort and fostering character growth through resilience where students can appreciate the process, they are focused on the results alone. In the event students cannot achieve the results they set for themselves - or the results they perceive others set for them - they incur a terrible sense of failure.

Dr. William Glasser, one of my great role models in the area of mental health (having earned certification as a Reality Therapist through his institute) says it best in his breakthrough book Schools Without Failure, “Regardless of how many failures a person has had in his past ... he will not succeed in general until he can in some way first experience success in one important part of his life.” If students do not feel success, they will not have any self-respect. Without self-respect, they cannot respect others. We must present our students with the means of success by fortifying their character, supporting their efforts as opposed to their test results, and supplying them with an environment that honors those who excel beyond academic knowledge.

“When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.” - Mark Twain

Complementary Compliments

Complementary - "combining in such a way as to enhance or emphasize the qualities of each other or another" 
Complimentary - "expressing a compliment; praising or approving; given or supplied free of charge"

"I can live for two months on a good compliment." - Mark Twain
"The highest compliment that you can pay me is to say that I work hard every day." - Wayne Gretzky

Life in Middle School is hard work. Students arrive earlier and leave later, and somehow, recess time simply does not feel the same as it used to in Lower School. All these years students only had to remember two teachers’ names, but now all of a sudden, 6th graders now need to have an entire directory of names, classes and locations on file. And while lockers are wonderful, students wonder, "I'm supposed to fit everything into this?!"
Within a few weeks, this life-altering transition is over, and 6th graders become comfortably entrenched in Middle School life. There is, however, one component that we often associate with Lower School life that can never fade into early adolescence - that deep sense of self-pride and self-worth. While the academic rigor increases substantially, Middle School must retain the warmth and encouragement that is characterized by the earlier grades.
Unfortunately, Middle School tends to be a feeding ground for anxiety and uncertainty for many. With the increasing amount of responsibilities, multiplication of exams and due dates, and heightened consciousness of academic success, students can often feel inadequate or unsure of their skills and abilities. They quickly become nervous if they will get those coveted grades they believe everyone seeks. It becomes our responsibility, therefore, to not only assist students academically, but to demonstrate our support through compliments and positive reinforcement. The question is, though, which compliments to choose.
Dr. Carol Dweck in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success writes, “'Did I win? Did I lose?' Those are the wrong questions. The correct question is: 'Did I make my best effort?' If so, he says, 'You may be outscored but you will never lose.'” It is remarkable how far students will thrive when they are driven by the pleasure of the process rather than the results alone. If we restrict compliments merely to those who earn the “A” at the end of a unit, we will have completely disregarded the efforts put forth by countless students. However, if we are committed to empower every student to feel a sense of success, we must utilize other forms of compliments along the way.
When we create an environment of appropriate compliments, we are essentially building a culture of complementary members. By highlighting the efforts of one another, we each grow and share the positive energy. In doing so, the Middle School will no longer be a narrow place of tests, report cards and responsibilities, rather an expansive home of fulfillment and self-appreciation.
Life in Middle School is hard work, but we should enjoy the challenge.

"You're not going to be great at everything. Surround yourself with people that can compliment you so you can work together and then everybody can be successful." - Jonathan Tisch