Don't Look Back (Parshas Vayeira)

"Success demands singleness of purpose.”  (Vince Lombardi)

In a most memorable turn of events, while the angels led Lot and family from the fiery furnace that was the city of Sodom amid destruction, Lot’s wife failed to follow the single condition her salvation rested upon - don’t turn back. The angels had commanded them that they mustn't turn to observe the utter annihilation of the infamous sin city. Rashi clarifies that although they warranted to be saved, in truth, it was due to the merit of their illustrious, righteous uncle, Avraham Avinu. Their own wicked deeds would have earned them the identical fate of their fellow townspeople. Therefore, to witness the city’s ruin, as if to suggest that they were above such judgment, was not justified. Seemingly, once Lot’s wife violated that command, it subconsciously implied that she did indeed feel worthy of viewing the destruction. As punishment, she turned into a pillar of salt, which was appropriately measured in line with her sinful past of not sharing with others.

Perhaps, there is an alternative message behind Rashi’s explanation, one that will certainly resonate with each of us. We can all relate to past mistakes. Throughout our lives, there have undoubtedly been times that we erred in our judgement, stumbled in our fulfillment of mitzvos and fell short in actualizing Hashem’s expectations of us. Nonetheless, in Hashem’s infinite mercy and boundless love for His children, He recognizes our limitations and urges us to overcome the hurdles in life. With His abundance of care and compassion, Hashem longs for our repentance and dearly yearn for us to return from any wrongful ways. He lifts us from the depths of sin and stands us on our feet once more.

To successfully conquer our weaknesses and repair our past, it is crucial to focus on the goals we seek to achieve.  We must remain focused on our destination, not the rocky road behind us. To remain fixated and preoccupied with our less than admirable past is far from a healthy path to recovery. Rather, we must shift gears, gain positive momentum and maintain a sense of confidence as we pave a decisively different path ahead.

Lot’s wife failed to understand this message that the angels attempted to relate. “You had a similar history to those around you, but you have ingrained potential due to your family ties that were severed. You can regain that connection once more so long as you look ahead. Should you look back - look back at your previous misdeeds - you will have made a decision to remain disconnected from your potential and remain forever woven with your past.” And alas, she forfeited the potentially glorious future and faced a death that mirrored her past.

It is often too easy to regress into our poor habits and live a life of complacency. However, the scenery along such a road will forever remain unfulfilling and with a potential latent. Alternatively, we can learn from the parsha not to turn around. Not to see the chain of destruction behind us, rather the possibilities of personal growth and spiritual satisfaction that awaits us up ahead.

“Now I see what I am is holding me down - I’ll turn it around.” See yourself in a brand new way and don’t look back.

“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.” (Thomas Paine)

Wind of Change (Parshas Lech Licha)

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”  (Viktor E. Frankl)

Change is not an easy endeavor. Yet, according to many authorities, the first challenge Hashem presents to Avraham Avinu was just that - change everything. At the advanced age of 75, Avraham was told that his life until that point paled in comparison to the fulfilling years and meaningful life that awaited him. Commanded to leave his home, birthplace and family, Avraham was charged with life-altering task of upending everything. Why? Because Hashem told him so. Because Hashem explained that the change was necessary if he was to become truly great. 
It is quoted in the name of the saintly Rabbi Yisroel Salanter that, “it is easier to learn the entire Shas than to change one character trait.” While it is debatable to what degree he intended changing a trait meant, the message is nonetheless clear. Change is difficult. Change is powerful. Change is necessary. 
If we stop to think for a moment, change is everywhere. There are changes is season, temperature, surroundings and nature all around us. But changes run deeper still. From birth through our ultimate demise, we undergo countless changes - physically, physiologically, emotionally, cognitively, and the list goes on. There is not one moment in life when our thought patterns and experiences are remaining stagnant. Everything we see, hear and do has affects on us in ways that are often subconscious, but almost always, unfathomable. Like an ever-flowing river that is often calm yet other times raging, change has its stronger moments. Perhaps one the of the most noticeable, impactful and often strenuous, dramatic and trying stage of change in one's life is Middle School.  At this age, teens grapple with identity, struggle with peer pressure and sustain intense inner battles that manifest themselves in rapid and often sudden shifts in mood and temperament, anti-authoritative behaviors and seemingly unyielding questioning to every request and directive. However difficult and taxing these behaviors are, we, as parents and educators, must demonstrate unwavering patience and support. Ultimately, it is our loving support and encouragement that represents the single chance of our teens’ survival through this period. 
How did Avraham Avinu maintain his unfaltering faith in Hashem that provided the strength to embark on such a formidable life change? “Leave your land, and your birthplace, and your father’s home - to the land that I will show you.” Avraham Avinu’s Father promised to be there for him and show him the way. He would remain forever by his side, supporting him and directing him. If we are to see through our teens’ change successfully, they must be reassured that we are there throughout their journey. If they are to arrive at their own promised land, we must serve as their guiding, supportive light. The wind of change may turbulent, and it sure may not be a breeze, but rather than fight it, we can support the fresh air that it can bring in.

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” (George Bernard Shaw)

Gratitude of Attitude

“People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude.” John C. Maxwell

Our culture has an affinity for catch phrases, slogans, buzzwords and tag lines. Whether they define a company or part of a mission statement of an institution, these mottos and mantras are designed to associate meaning and reflect purpose that directly identifies these companies and institutions with a desired personification. They are the representation of who they are and the values that they promote. People, like companies and institutions, are similarly defined by personal axioms, albeit not those that are affixed to our bumpers or refrigerators nor appear on our business cards or letterheads. Rather, it is our attitudes that establish who we are and how we are viewed by others.

Thomas Jefferson once remarked, “Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” Much can and should be said about the manner in which we think, and how our attitudes are entirely founded upon our thoughts and perceptions. Through my coursework, certification process and experiences employing CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), I have gained great insight to the inner workings of the mind and how essential a positive attitude is in life in general and education in particular.

Dr. Ben Martin who has written on matters of depression, ADHD, anxiety and several other areas of human behavior, defines CBT as, “a short-term, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment that takes a hands-on, practical approach to problem-solving. Its goal is to change patterns of thinking or behavior that are behind people’s difficulties, and so change the way they feel … CBT works by changing people’s attitudes and their behavior by focusing on the thoughts, images, beliefs and attitudes that we hold (our cognitive processes) and how this relates to the way we behave, as a way of dealing with emotional problems.” It is troubling, however, that such “treatment” is reserved to just that, treatment. I would propose that we would all infinitely gain and deeply appreciate a taste of CBT, and, furthermore, so would our schools.

It is indeed our culture that has created the phrase “attitude of gratitude.” Yet, gratitude is not the only attitude we desperately need to nurture among our youth population (and adult), though it certainly is one of the more vital virtues. Our attitudes require an entire overhaul. Albert Einstein was astute in his observation when he said, “Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.” Our attitudes are the foundation of our character, and if we wish to help develop and support our students’ positive character, then we must dedicate more time to address them.

Hans Selye, the Hungarian-born endocrinologist who spent a lifetime researching the phenomenon of stress, remarked, “Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.” Particularly in an age where anxiety is rampant, we must place more attention on producing resilient students with strong, positive attitudes. We must “stress” the importance of building quality attitudes, primarily through proper modeling. We must highlight how crucial a positive attitude is. And how grateful we must be when we have achieved one for then we would have established the most distinguished and fulfilling slogans for ourselves.

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” Winston Churchill

Really on a Role

“I have to tell you, I'm proudest of my life off the court. There will always be great basketball players who bounce that little round ball, but my proudest moments are affecting people's lives, effecting change, being a role model in the community.” - Magic Johnson

During a recent lunch table discussion among teachers, the topic of role models in sports came up. The debate was on - are athletes role models or not? Should they be role models or not? By virtue of the fact that kids watch, admire and adore them, does that require them to become something they did not set out to be? The first athlete that clearly came to my mind was Charles Barkley, the NBA Hall of Fame star, who was quite outspoken about the issue. He claimed, “I’m not paid to be a role model; parents should be role models,” and, “Just because I dunk a basketball doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.” While the point can be disputed, I believe that one thing is for certain - the role models our children choose for themselves must be positive ones.

But how do we achieve this? How are we assured that they will choose wisely?

In truth, our children have many role models. While some look up to athletes, there are also actors, music stars and other personalities within pop culture. Then you have historical or political figures, human rights activists, innovators and perhaps even the occasional religious icon. However, there is always a common denominator among children's role models - their parents. As parents, we form the bedrock of our children's reality, the foundation of their early aspirations and the core structure of their life-long values and beliefs. Our children's role models are predominantly selected based upon the values we embody and demonstrate in our lives as well as our own role models we choose to popularize, frequently speak about, admire and assign glory to.

Then there is school. From their earliest years, children have warm, caring and nurturing teachers that help set the tone for their learning profile. From Lower School through Middle School, strong relationships are formed, motivating students towards a concrete academic and emotional path while building memories that last for lifetimes. An endless stream of gratitude towards teachers have flooded websites, blogs and books, while libraries of unwritten volumes remain stored within the hearts of scores of people that attribute their success to perhaps even a single teacher.

It is time to merge the two worlds - the one within the home and the one within the school. In a world that often perpetuate criticism as sharp political commentaries fill the media, harsh personal sarcasm spreads throughout social media, and character defamation engulfs coffee rooms and dinner tables nationwide, our homes and schools must become beacons of positivity if we are to create the society we would all appreciate and enjoy being part of. Parents must support teachers, and teacher must support parents. School, homes and shuls must be united in a harmonious vision of personal integrity and moral values. In short, we must all become the role models we wish our children to emulate. We must calculate our actions and words to ensure that our children will learn the skills, emotions, principles and habits we want them to develop and master. While our children may or may not choose the role models we wish for them to adopt, one thing is for certain - we will always be front and center as their constant, life-long role models.

At the end of the day, we are all here to change lives, one child at a time. As my most beloved motto goes, “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world” (a quote attributed to Bill Wilson, Dr. Seuss and Taylor Hanson, to name a few).

One world at a time.

A Culture of Passion

"Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow." Anthony J. D'Angelo

Educators are firm believers of continued education - by nature and by design. If our general mission statement is to enhance our students' lives by presenting and engaging them in information, discussions, experiences and interactions to develop and furnish them with the knowledge, skills and tools to participate in and contribute to society around them, then we, too, should be equally involved in such a worthwhile and beneficial experience. This year, I have the great fortune of taking part in a wonderful program for educational leaders, YU Lead. Working with other leaders from around the country, I have an opportunity for continued learning, focused on topics that are so vital in today's educational system.

One of the requirements of the program is to detail, develop and address a particular area of personal growth as a school leader. I have chosen to focus on the ability to craft and direct positive school culture among all stakeholders - students, staff and parents. While this task appears to be quite a challenging undertaking, the benefits of an overwhelmingly positive school culture serve as the very foundation for all progress and success. And although a school may already possess a wonderful culture and atmosphere, there is always room for growth.

There are several components of a school's culture that must be considered in forming an approach to bolster it. One particular buzzword that I believe must be part and parcel of its culture is passion. Students must be passionate about their learning and growth, teachers must be passionate about their students, subjects and engagement, and parents must be passionate and positive about their school's role in their children's lives and its meaningfulness as a force in the identity of their community. The question is, however, how do we encourage, support and promote passion? Where does passion derive from, and how can we cultivate more of it?

According to a recent study in the Journal of Neuroscience, the part of the brain that is activated during motivated activities is called the ventral striatum, and it works in concert with the amygdala, the brain’s emotional hub. Researchers observed that the ventral striatum was activated in proportion to how motivated a person felt - the higher the degree of motivation, the higher the activation level. Following the concept of neuroplasticity, namely the ability to rewire our brains using behavior, we have the power to motivate ourselves by finding passion in life through our actions and our choice of behavior. Malini Mohana, a psychology graduate from the University of Cape Town, South Africa and researcher in neuropsychology, suggests that there are three key elements in self-motivation and building passion: finding the area for which you have a natural affinity, rejecting complacency, and asking the ‘why’ question. Perhaps, these are factors to utilize while moving forward in advancing school culture.

I hope to continue posting on the topic of school culture over the course of the next several months with reflections, experiences and details of progress.

"You can do anything as long as you have the passion, the drive, the focus, and the support." Sabrina Bryan

Giving Thumbs Up Without Our Thumbs

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” - Winston Churchill

We live in the age of the “Like.” One would imagine, therefore, that we may feel more prone to sharing positive feedback with others while feeling happier ourselves. In a study conducted by Dr. Larry Rosen concerning Facebook’s “Like” button, 52% of the teenage Facebook users of the iGeneration (born in the 1990s) clicked “Like” daily or even several times a day. The Net Generation young adults were a close second with 45%, followed closely by 32% of Gen Xers, and 24% of Baby Boomers. It appears that Facebook users of all ages enjoy using the “Like” button, although it is more popular among younger users. Seemingly, we should be able to determine that our generation of youth would be more vibrant, positive and happy due to all the “liking” they do.

In their introduction to the book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, internationally recognized psychiatrist Dr. Foster Cline and Jim Fay, one of America’s top educational consultants and a past school principal, write, “Research tells us that the levels of clinical depression in high schools now are similar to what they were in mental health institutions in the 1950s (roughly one in four show such symptoms).” Apparently, there is a sharp discrepancy between receiving a “Like” and truly feeling liked. Perhaps, a sense of acceptance and joy cannot be achieved wholesomely through social media.

Dr. Shelly Turkle, author of the book Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other and Professor of the Social Studies of Science and Technology at MIT, describes the exhaustion felt by teenagers as they constantly tweak their Facebook profiles for maximum cool effect. Dr. Turkle calls this "presentation anxiety," and suggests that the site's element of constant performance creates an environment where people feel alienated from themselves. With the overwhelming results from an array of studies conducted on the topic, therefore, we must question where teens in particular can find true happiness.

In an Atlantic Magazine article, Dr. Moira Burke, a research scientist at Facebook and a recent Ph.D. from Carnegie Mellon University, states, “People who received composed communication became less lonely, while people who received one-click communication experienced no change in loneliness.” Clearly, people respond positively with more substantial communications. Conversely, as Dr. Turkle determines, “The ties we form through the Internet are not, in the end, the ties that bind. But they are the ties that preoccupy.” We benefit infinitely greater from personal connections built upon meaningful interactions.

How do we bolster such connections within our teenage population? How do we encourage significant and lasting relationships when we are all engaged in digital communications at the same time?

Perhaps, one way in supporting our teens is by strengthening their and our positive self-talk and the manner in which we all problem solve. Dr. Tal Ben Shahar, a leading authority in the realm of positive psychology, states, “We maintain that it’s very important to fix things, but no less important also to look at the other part of the situation, at what is working. Cultivating what works, our strengths, our sense of meaning, acts as a preventative. We become far more resilient and are able to cope with what does not work.” I find it troubling that when I consistently approach students to share one form of positive feedback or another, their first response is, “What did I do wrong? I didn’t do anything.” Why does it appear that are our teenagers expect negativity? Is it not clear that they desperately seek to amass “Likes,” yet have a poor sense of self-worth and esteem?

Those who interact with teens have an especially colossal responsibility in building their emotional stability and well-being. In an age where a “Like” clearly does nothing to truly enhance their lives, we must all - teens and adults alike - learn to support one another with valuable, meaningful and thoughtful positive communications. As Dr. Shahar explains at length, we must look at what is going right, but furthermore, we must instill that skill in our students. We must show them all they can do right rather than point out what they have done wrong. If we are to raise a healthy generation of young adults, we must work on nurturing positive environments and inculcating positive habits and thoughts for our teens who are starving for them.

“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.” - Willie Nelson

R-E-S-P-E-C-T What It Should Mean to You

“Knowledge will give you power, but character respect.” - Bruce Lee

In her book The Power of Respect: Benefit from the Most Forgotten Element of Success, Deborah Norville writes, “Nearly eight in ten Americans (79 percent) say a lack of respect and courtesy is a serious national problem, and most people say it’s getting worse (60 percent). Seventy-three percent say we used to treat one another with greater respect.” Needless to say, these statistics are truly frightening. Yet, however painful these numbers are, we must take a step back and question how this has come about. Perhaps, the solution is rooted not in how we treat one another, but how we view ourselves first and foremost.

School is predominantly identified as an institution of knowledge. More than anything else, stakeholders strive to present and promote their institutions as fountains of understanding beacons of information, and laboratories of advanced thought and reasoning. However, rarely do we see a school highlighting the character of their students as their claim to fame, certainly not in place of their scholastic acclaim. As a result, the thrust of a school’s efforts is visibly academic, a reality that students inevitably recognize and internalize. Thus, character development takes a back seat. As a result, our students deem their scores as a barometer of success. This, Dr. Carol Dweck explains, constitutes the fixed mindset as opposed to the growth mindset. Rather than encouraging healthy effort and fostering character growth through resilience where students can appreciate the process, they are focused on the results alone. In the event students cannot achieve the results they set for themselves - or the results they perceive others set for them - they incur a terrible sense of failure.

Dr. William Glasser, one of my great role models in the area of mental health (having earned certification as a Reality Therapist through his institute) says it best in his breakthrough book Schools Without Failure, “Regardless of how many failures a person has had in his past ... he will not succeed in general until he can in some way first experience success in one important part of his life.” If students do not feel success, they will not have any self-respect. Without self-respect, they cannot respect others. We must present our students with the means of success by fortifying their character, supporting their efforts as opposed to their test results, and supplying them with an environment that honors those who excel beyond academic knowledge.

“When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.” - Mark Twain